I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
