JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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