I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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