Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
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