No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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