You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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