SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So squirting runs in the family.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
