You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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