Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
