do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
