we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
