I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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