"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
