Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
