i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
