is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
