Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
