I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I touched a dick in church today
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
