ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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