Dude my mom stole all your condoms
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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