I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize