If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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