I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
