yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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