Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize