I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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