OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I want her autograph on my taint
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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