i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
