Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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