Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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