I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
