this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
