go do what you do best...puke behind churches
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
