btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
