Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
