If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
