I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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