Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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