see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
