I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
