you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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