I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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