I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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