It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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