no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Randomize
