i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize