I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
