I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
