Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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