: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize