my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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