im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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