i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
