never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
