so let's talk penis.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize