my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
