happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
