so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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