My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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