Well douche your snatch and let's go!
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
